How Did It Come To This?

I wore my heels and am all dressed to the nines

Funny it’s come to this after all our wine and dines.

I shouldn’t be here; this is such a special occasion

And I feel my presence is a bit of an invasion

I find my nametag, indicating my seat assignment

I sit, plop my elbow on the table and my chin on my fist, discontent

I’m sitting among strangers, all jovial and full of joy

Questioning me if I’m friends with the girl or the boy

These squatters are flying around my face like gnats

Gotta get to the open bar and away from these fat cats

After knocking a few down, I feel more stable

Another drink in hand, I find my way back to my table

Your mother stands and toasts you and your new brat

Bottoms up, I’ll drink to that

Your dad stands, teary eyed and clinks his glass

He’s so proud of you for landing your new lass

Here here! *glup* more please, my glass is feeling light

I’m just getting started; I could do this all night.

Matter of fact-*Clink, Clink* enough with the pointless chats

Cheers to you and your street-walker. Congrats!

No, don’t ya’ll even gasp and judge

There’s a past here-I don’t hold a grudge

But you don’t know the past between us three

The bride, the groom and me.

But they know, we know, I know and I won’t forget

You guys won’t even last 5 years, I bet

Cheers to you both, you deserve each other

Starting now, I will find another…so here-

The rest of this toast goes out to any single men

Find me after this toast in the middle of oblivion
I’ll be in the middle of the dance floor

Showing the groom what he can’t have anymore

Masquerade

Life is a masquerade

Everyone is masked in some way or another
My mask is sometimes full-faced and hooded
It is so easy to hide behind; it is my comfort and safety
But safe as I am, it leaves me alone and hidden from the world
Sometimes I wear a rose tinted monocle as my mask
It hides little and is more inviting for strangers to approach
But it always leads me to put on my hooded mask in the end
In a crowd of strange masks, no matter what mask I wear, you find me
You know my eyes and see through the façade,
You see through the bull-crap and love me for who I am.
I just want to jump into your arms every time you find me in the crowd
I know my name is safe on your lips
and I want you to be the one that holds my name forever
I feel the want to be mask-free with you
I want you to remove every mask I wear,
and toss it into the crowd as you kiss my lips
But you leave me masked,
and even give me others to replace the ones I try to take off
You will always find me out of the crowd of masked people
My name will always be safe coming from your mouth
You will always love me for who I am
or should I say, for who I am to you-
which will always be your masked friend

Going Through The Motions

I pinch myself to feel.

Anything?

Nope, nothing today

Heartless, calloused

Deadened to anything that might want a piece of my life

Insensitive to any being that cares about my wellbeing

Sensations go unnoticed

Anesthetized

Covered with bruises,

Black and blue,

Purple and yellow

Each one a reminder

Each equivalent of a vanished day,

Numb to the thought of love

What If

As I sit pondering under this shade tree

I want nothing more than for you to want me

Every text or call I get I wonder if it’s you

Every one that walks by I look up, to view

Cuz “what if’s” fill my thoughts

Instead of the “is” and “is not’s”

What will I do when we arrive at the same party?

It’s bound to happen sometime. I just hope you say you’re sorry

What will I do if you walk my way?

My mind races with things to say

I wish you just realized you can’t live without me

I want to turn you down so badly

I wish you would try to make amends

And I want to tell you that I only want to be friends

I want to give you the closure that I never got

And to leave you astonished in your own thoughts

I want you to grovel in your own tears

And I want to fulfill one of your worst fears

By turning you down after you said all you can say

Then not even look back as I walk away

As I wonder about all the things I want under this tree

I want nothing more than for you to want me

Lost Within

Hazy dreams with weary eyes

Lost in a mystery of hazy skies

Pacing in circles not knowing where I’ve been

Panicking cuz I don’t know where I am

Will I ever find my way back to familiar ground?

Will I ever be rescued, will I ever be found?

Thick as molasses, I’m surrounded

This fog has me confounded

For it represents my inner turmoil

I’m practically convulsing trying to mix water and oil

My issues are multiplying and are getting the best of me

As I fail to strain the salt out of my endless sea

The confusion finds my eyes and out it seeps

And empties my soul as I long for sleep

It's OK

You were my drug of choice,
You brought me my highest highs
Without you I’d hit my lowest lows
I fought so hard to keep you-
to keep up with my habit of your toxic injection,
that I failed to see the harm you caused.
I convinced myself I’d be happier just eating the crumbs off your table,
than if I was well treated or taken care of by anyone else
It took five years of lying to you, myself, and the world to finally hit rock bottom
Five years of blissful torture to finally have the courage to want to give you up
Five years to finally ask you for something
All I wanted after five years were four one-syllable words
And you finally gave me one thing I requested
For some reason after five years “I. don’t. like. you.” set me free
It was my tender mercy from the heavens
telling me it’s ok to let you go
It’s finally ok to fly free
And I’m taking that chance to soar
I’ve forgotten what freedom felt like
and I’m gliding through clouds
Funny enough, I never felt I've flown so high
Than on the night I finally told you goodbye

Just Me

Here I am. All 5 ft 7 inches and 123 lbs of me, standing in my flip-flops, blue jeans, and favorite hoodie, in front of you. This is it! This is all I am. This is all you'll get. There's nothing more. No tricks up my sleeves. No gimmicks. No after-party with fireworks, orchestras, and circus gymnasts.
I’m just me. Simple...plain...predictable. No sassy struts in size zero pants and stiletto heels. No faddy name-brand shirts or manicured french-tipped fake fingernails. No platinum blonde up-do or face made-up for the red carpet. There's no part of that in me. I can act, but not good enough to pretend to be your mysterious fashionista, your trophy, or your Victoria Secret’s Sex-kitten. I've been told too many times to count that I'm silly or too nice. Honestly, I’m kind of a nerdy-girl-next-door type. Make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into before you agree to this. Am I what you want for forever? Is this what you’ve bargained for? Don’t imagine me to be someone I’m not. Because this is all I am - I’m just me!

Abrasive

I’m not careless

I just couldn’t care less

Call me heartless, a B****, a dude, or whatever

I’ve never considered this to last forever

I don’t know how you were so mistaken when you read me

I guess ‘Actress of the year’ award goes to me

I apologize; I didn’t mean to displease you

It’s not that I really meant to tease you

It’s not that I think I’m above you

I just couldn’t bring myself to love you

Wasted Kisses

Sitting alone in bed, late night thinking

I’ve grown quite accustom to my routine

Over analyzing- it’s what I do best.

What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Blah, blah, blah…and all that bull crap

In all my pondering I have come to a few conclusions

I liked your lips long before I knew your speech

I liked your looks long before I picked your pea -sized brain

I liked your eyes long before I saw your soul

And I liked the idea of having a man long before I had you

And there’ve been too many wasted miles on my odometer

Too many wasted minutes on my cell phone

Too many wasted glances from my eyes

Too many wasted nights in your arms

And too many wasted kisses from my lips to ever date you again

Thank you for making it so easy to say goodbye.

Words From Grandma

 I've been so busy, but I see you
I catch glimpses when I have time to
In life, I know how hard you try
and noone is prouder than I
You've grown so lively and becoming
wonders for you are still forthcoming
It's only a short time til you see my face
only a little while til we again embrace
it's not long before soon
we'll be in the same room
I can't wait to have a heart-to-heart
and catch up on what I've missed since we've been apart
It's not long after soon, but it's in some time
You've still some mountains to climb
just remember all of us at home are rooting for you
and at difficult times please see the grander view
we'll help as much as we are able
until we again feast at the same table
I can't wait til you are here at last
back in your home from the past
I'll walk you up the trail
that leads to our home beyond the veil

Peter-Pan

I fell for a lie that I know I’m better than

I trapped myself in a fake relationship that never even began

Instead of diving in, I should have ran

I idealized a romance with a boylike man

That didn’t even care to know who I really am

I overlooked so much in my dream-mode life span

To not even notice that I was never part of HIS future plan

I’m finally back from Never-Never Land –

and will remain the Wendy to this Peter-Pan.

Keep Lying

Lying to yourself is still a form of lying
your heart still knows for whom it's pining
You can tell yourself you're done and you're over him,
but when he becomes a part of your every whim
there's no use in stating you no longer care
cuz you're still a prisoner in your own pathetic lair
There are so many other guys that could better suit your needs
but your past keeps you tied to him, even by noxious weeds
The subconscious is not as stupid as you think
You gotta quench your thirst somehow, but he is not the drink
Finding someone new will be harder than hell,
but he is an empty well
and cannot fulfill your life, or even a small part
You cannot wait any longer for his heart

I Feel You

You're just around the corner, I feel you
I run to my window and wait for your homecoming
I wait like a toddler for his father, like a dog for its owner
I wait with an ear to ear smile and starry eyes
I'm like a giddy school-girl again
I can't wait to jump into your enveloping embrace
and just stay there for as long as you can stay
You're just around the corner- I feel you
The warmth that only you can bring me is locked in my mind
It gets me through life
The thought of you gets me through my winters
I'm ready to dive into you with no restraint, breathe in your scent, and bask in your greatness
Good things are worth waiting for, but the anticipation is driving me crazy
I'm cold and ready for you
You're just around the corner
I can wait, I must wait
I miss you- come to me soon

Just thinking

Thinking... with a pen is a dangerous combination
chiseling thoughts into words that will be seen for the rest of existence
etching brain-waves into phrases
whatever I wish to write
I could engineer a poem to be somebody's legacy or someone's demise
never to be erased
No longer thoughts, they become reality- truth on paper
an open epistle, epithet, or epitaph
whatever I chose
I could make or break you
Pray you dont get on my bad side