Going Through The Motions

I pinch myself to feel.

Anything?

Nope, nothing today

Heartless, calloused

Deadened to anything that might want a piece of my life

Insensitive to any being that cares about my wellbeing

Sensations go unnoticed

Anesthetized

Covered with bruises,

Black and blue,

Purple and yellow

Each one a reminder

Each equivalent of a vanished day,

Numb to the thought of love

What If

As I sit pondering under this shade tree

I want nothing more than for you to want me

Every text or call I get I wonder if it’s you

Every one that walks by I look up, to view

Cuz “what if’s” fill my thoughts

Instead of the “is” and “is not’s”

What will I do when we arrive at the same party?

It’s bound to happen sometime. I just hope you say you’re sorry

What will I do if you walk my way?

My mind races with things to say

I wish you just realized you can’t live without me

I want to turn you down so badly

I wish you would try to make amends

And I want to tell you that I only want to be friends

I want to give you the closure that I never got

And to leave you astonished in your own thoughts

I want you to grovel in your own tears

And I want to fulfill one of your worst fears

By turning you down after you said all you can say

Then not even look back as I walk away

As I wonder about all the things I want under this tree

I want nothing more than for you to want me

Lost Within

Hazy dreams with weary eyes

Lost in a mystery of hazy skies

Pacing in circles not knowing where I’ve been

Panicking cuz I don’t know where I am

Will I ever find my way back to familiar ground?

Will I ever be rescued, will I ever be found?

Thick as molasses, I’m surrounded

This fog has me confounded

For it represents my inner turmoil

I’m practically convulsing trying to mix water and oil

My issues are multiplying and are getting the best of me

As I fail to strain the salt out of my endless sea

The confusion finds my eyes and out it seeps

And empties my soul as I long for sleep

It's OK

You were my drug of choice,
You brought me my highest highs
Without you I’d hit my lowest lows
I fought so hard to keep you-
to keep up with my habit of your toxic injection,
that I failed to see the harm you caused.
I convinced myself I’d be happier just eating the crumbs off your table,
than if I was well treated or taken care of by anyone else
It took five years of lying to you, myself, and the world to finally hit rock bottom
Five years of blissful torture to finally have the courage to want to give you up
Five years to finally ask you for something
All I wanted after five years were four one-syllable words
And you finally gave me one thing I requested
For some reason after five years “I. don’t. like. you.” set me free
It was my tender mercy from the heavens
telling me it’s ok to let you go
It’s finally ok to fly free
And I’m taking that chance to soar
I’ve forgotten what freedom felt like
and I’m gliding through clouds
Funny enough, I never felt I've flown so high
Than on the night I finally told you goodbye

Just Me

Here I am. All 5 ft 7 inches and 123 lbs of me, standing in my flip-flops, blue jeans, and favorite hoodie, in front of you. This is it! This is all I am. This is all you'll get. There's nothing more. No tricks up my sleeves. No gimmicks. No after-party with fireworks, orchestras, and circus gymnasts.
I’m just me. Simple...plain...predictable. No sassy struts in size zero pants and stiletto heels. No faddy name-brand shirts or manicured french-tipped fake fingernails. No platinum blonde up-do or face made-up for the red carpet. There's no part of that in me. I can act, but not good enough to pretend to be your mysterious fashionista, your trophy, or your Victoria Secret’s Sex-kitten. I've been told too many times to count that I'm silly or too nice. Honestly, I’m kind of a nerdy-girl-next-door type. Make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into before you agree to this. Am I what you want for forever? Is this what you’ve bargained for? Don’t imagine me to be someone I’m not. Because this is all I am - I’m just me!

Abrasive

I’m not careless

I just couldn’t care less

Call me heartless, a B****, a dude, or whatever

I’ve never considered this to last forever

I don’t know how you were so mistaken when you read me

I guess ‘Actress of the year’ award goes to me

I apologize; I didn’t mean to displease you

It’s not that I really meant to tease you

It’s not that I think I’m above you

I just couldn’t bring myself to love you

Wasted Kisses

Sitting alone in bed, late night thinking

I’ve grown quite accustom to my routine

Over analyzing- it’s what I do best.

What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Blah, blah, blah…and all that bull crap

In all my pondering I have come to a few conclusions

I liked your lips long before I knew your speech

I liked your looks long before I picked your pea -sized brain

I liked your eyes long before I saw your soul

And I liked the idea of having a man long before I had you

And there’ve been too many wasted miles on my odometer

Too many wasted minutes on my cell phone

Too many wasted glances from my eyes

Too many wasted nights in your arms

And too many wasted kisses from my lips to ever date you again

Thank you for making it so easy to say goodbye.