Dirty

Keep talking

You may think that you’re cute

You may want to sock it to me now

But each word is one more shovel-full of dirt heaved

You’re doing a fabulous job at digging your own grave

I should probably thank you for doing the dirty work

This might just be the hardest job you’ve even had

You may have finally found a career

Maybe I should congratulate you,

But all I can think about is trying not to throw up

That mouth of yours that’s burying you alive -once touched mine

I once enjoyed what came out of that mouth

Those hands you’re blistering and splintering- use to caress me

Now I feel the dirt from them on every part of me you’ve touched

I fear there isn’t enough water to wash it off

For someone that was so sweet

You sure charmed yourself into a cute little coffin

Hopefully the thought of you won’t disgust me forever

Hopefully, soon your name won’t make me dry heave

And hopefully the contempt I feel towards you

Will only stay with me long enough to help me not date losers like you again

Happy Birth-day Finale

No amount of time could fix what we turned into

Tho just as frustrating; we weren’t a rubik’s cube

Our colors didn’t match on each side

With what once was perfect- life has morphed into strangers

Making it ok to finally walk away

But as hard as you try – you cannot convince me that I walked into the knife each time after you stabbed me time and time again

For one year you kept me on eggshells and jerking rollercoasters 

Pushing and pulling and taking and taking… and taking

Until, like the giving tree, I had nothing left to give

I gave up on your charades and you finally dropped the façade

War started raging in my heart

with so many frustrations and unanswered questions

You then called check mate, but come over with your white flag waving

No questions answered

You took the coward’s way out

How did I forget that you walk away when times get hard?

When feelings need to be mended and kind words need to be spoken

You decide the fun has turned ugly and we are unfixable

Why would I think you would want to superglue a cracking foundation?

You let your past marriage decay and crumble,
 

convincing yourself she was the bulldozer.

Our little red caboose has derailed, crashed, and burned

You watched it burn to the ground with tearless eyes

And as much as I want to be optimistic about life

There are no more “I think I can’s” in this relationship

I now know I can’t

I can’t give you your side of the fireworks

I can’t be a magician psychic-

I can’t read your mind and abra-ca-dabra your life perfect

I can’t be the blame for any or every unhappiness in your toxic heart

I can’t be treated the way you treated me any longer

And I can’t believe it took me so long to say goodbye

I can no longer write about you or speak your name

This is my final farewell

Thoughtful Wishing

I wish you could see through my walls

and read the words I can’t convey on these dotted lines

I wish I could speak without the tremble in my voice or the pause in my thought

I wish I could take back what she did to you

And show you what real love means

I’m not an expert, but I wish you could see how much I want this

 I wish you could see that I’m not her

And I’m willing to try my hardest to make you happy

I wish you could see you as I do

A strong, sexy, motivated man who is worthy to be loved and give love

I wish you knew that all I need from you is your heart

And tho it might not be your whole heart,

as ripped and torn and broken as it might be- I want what’s left of it

and I would bandage the lacerated pieces with bits of my own if I could

I wish you knew that all it takes is one real kiss from you

And I melt into you and would do anything you asked

If only you knew the power you have over my heart

Then maybe you would be able to let the past go

Maybe you would see how lucky you are to have me

Maybe you would wish to move us further along

Maybe you would wish I was yours forever

and make this time last for just that long

Knowing That I Don’t Know

“I love you” shouldn’t be so hard to feel and say

This far in, I really didn’t think I’d see this day.

Silence builds the distance we need

To dream of getting the lion’s share instead of this chicken feed

We do nothing to collapse each other’s walls

Waiting for the other to change their faults

I’m thinking maybe we have voids that the other can’t fill

And maybe we’d be better off with someone else that will

but by even saying that alone, my mind fills with fears

Powerless to stand, I crouch to the floor, bowled over in tears

I don’t know if things will get better

I don’t know if we’re still good for each other

I’m scared this might be my only opportunity

to get married and have a family

but part of me doesn’t know what else to do

than get off this rollercoaster while I still have time to

I don’t know if we are God-granted

Or if we’re just taking each other for granted

I just know I don’t know what happened

It just feels like we’ve reached the end.

Killing Me Not so Softly

Though only a pen touching down to engrave words onto paper,

I imagine you’re evil voodoo ways forcing me to thrust it into my heart.
Jabbing it in as hard as my weak hand can plunge
Then as the last final touch you bewitch me to slowly twist it in a little further
I contemplate whether I’ll die first of ink poison, loss of blood, or a broken heart
My eyes are open and I can see my pen caressing the paper
But I feel the pains in my heart non-the-less
You will not be the best of me 
You can not be the death of me
I focus my thoughts on living breath by breath
Pouring my heart into these words
Believing the ink of my pen to be my blood on this paper

Hand on the door knob

What the hell are you doing with me?

I’m not a time-filler and am not looking for one

I’m not looking for a make-out buddy

I have plenty of other dudes that I could use for that

I’m not a ragdoll

I will not be tossed around for your pleasure

and will not let you get grass stains or mud on my clothes, face, or ego

I will not wait forever for you

I understand your situation, but do you understand mine?

Cuz right now, I’m fed up and just need one answer before I walk

What the hell are you doing with me?

Detour

I somehow missed the turnoff,

For the road I was suppose to take

I need to turn around

But the directions are so opaque

I didn’t pay attention

But I’m definitely on someone else’s road

This one clearly is not mine

I will not make this one my abode

There is no U-turn sign in the distance

So I keep driving straight

I wonder how long I’ll be going

And how I missed the street that led to MY fate

I wasn’t suppose to be single at 30

Or making just a little more than minimum wage

By now I should have the title mommy

I'm telling you, I’m in the wrong book –and turning the wrong page

I’ve accomplished quite a bit tho

And I have kept learning and growing

I can apply it all to my REAL life

When I get to where I’m going